"Hello folks, hello, my name is Peter Vanderbilt, no relation. As you can see I have no money. But seriously folks before I tell some jokes there is something I have to say. Yes, I am a vampire.”
Several people in the crowd booed.
“It’s okay I’m used to it but the only ‘stakes’ I want to see tonight are your meals. That’s right get it ‘steaks’ instead of ‘stakes’. No? You guys are too much.
“So what’s the deal with blood? Is it just a vampire thing? God, why does it have to be so delicious? Hey, hey I know what you’re thinking but there are people out there right now who are eating their steak medium rare, or worse rare. It’s usually a guy thing, women don’t usually go for it, not in my experience. Of course I don’t really understand women. That’s my second confession for you tonight, I’m gay.
“There I said it, I’m a gay vampire. Not as popular as you might think. Really, it’s not the new thing. It does make hickies more interesting though. I’m just kidding. But no seriously. It’s weird being a gay vampire because people are usually like I thought vampires seemed kind of gay, or at least bisexual. There’s Anne Rice’s books which were kind of homoerotic and the Dracula films. Anyone see the early Dracula films?”
“You suck!” someone shouted from the back of the room.
“Do I ever. Your cock and your neck. What do you say bog boy? Want to try me?” There was silence. “But anyway, back to my story. Dracula, people think he’s kind of gay because of the way he dressed. People think he was dainty, a poof, a dandy, but hey that’s just the way guys dressed back then. I mean really it was more about being rich. Of course you had to question why if he was so old did he have modern period clothes, but still, it was a thing. How gay could he have been? I mean the guy kept three vampire bitches in his castle. Did you see them in those white outfits they had on? Maybe that was a different movie, but still, he was all about the ladies.
“Not me man, I’m all about the dudes. Of course it makes it difficult to go check out guys at the beach because of all the sunlight. I’d need some serious sun block. It really gets to you sometimes, well it gets to me. Up all night, sleep all day, it makes it difficult to get normal business done.
“Not like I have a lot of normal business to do. I mean I feed off human blood. All of you right now look like giant sacks of blood to me.”
Most of the crowd booed, but there were a few laughs, a few coughs. Peter looked around at his audience to gauge whether he should walk off stage or begin to run, whether someone was going to charge him right there, but aside from the looks there didn’t appear to be a possible violent reaction except from the bar manager who stood off to the side with a bouncer. Peter was unsure if the man was going to come get him or the bouncer was there to escort him out.
“In closing, I just want to say I’m mostly like you. Mostly, because a lot of people question if a vampire has a soul, but I have to say I’m not too worried about a soul. I’m more worried about life, whatever this is, I’m living. I walk. I talk. Okay, I don’t breathe but still if you prick me do I not bleed. Okay, granted someone else’s blood but still...
“People shouldn’t worry about a soul. Yes, some vampires in the past have done really horrible things but we’re mostly not like that anymore. I mean humans have done some very bad things. Humans still do bad things. They’re called CEO’s. Of course if I was rich, if I had that kind of power and influence you wouldn’t call me a vampire. You’d call me boss.”
The crowd continued to boo, the manger shifted on his feet, and the bouncer moved a little only to be stopped by the manager’s hand. Peter looked to the other side of the stage where another bouncer was in place. It could be worse he thought, it could be the crowd ready to lynch him. He put the microphone back on the stand and waved to the audience before making his way to where the manager stood. The man was rotund and unmoving. Peter stepped to his belly and looked down into the man’s eyes. He thought to give a flash of his teeth, maybe a flash of his red eyes, but the man only grunted and motioned for him to leave.
Peter stepped around him, between him and the bouncer who moved to let him pass, and continued to the side exit where he pushed open the door. The door led to a narrow, dark alley that was littered with broken bottles, used condoms, and other trash. He looked back to the bar, waited for a moment to see if someone would follow him out until he was confident no one was coming, then he walked away.
